Have a little patience...

Do you know what it's like to not want anyone around, simply so that you can feel what you feel, and feel it wholly? Without any sort of emotional interference from someone else's energy...

This is something I'm learning about myself. As I move into a deeper grief, as I strive to not get overwhelmed and fall down into my lake of depression....

Let me describe my lake to you, so that you might have an idea what I mean.

In my mind, I find myself at a beautiful lakeside, surrounded by mountains covered in trees. The trees are dense, and gorgeous shades of foresty green. The mountains are all high enough that it would be a day trip to climb them and return. The 'beach' is pebbles and stones, but only extends maybe 150ft around the shoreline. The rest of the shore meets directly with the woods, greeting the ferns and grass growing near it like old friends. There are wild creatures that live in the woods... I can hear them, but don't often see them. They stick to the world in the trees, and don't tend to come to the lake itself. There is a cabin of sorts just off the shore, but it never seems to stay in one place, or even look the same whenever I visit. There aren't any other sort of structures around... just the ever changing abode that I think must be my retreat when I am not consciously at the lake. The water itself is cool, but not freezing... and varies from being a beautiful clear blue that you can see relatively far into... to a dark grey that you can't see through more than two feet from the shore. The setting is completely serene. There is a fog that hangs over the mountains, and occasionally the far side of the lake. The fog often feels like a hugging blanket of security, as if it holds the scene in complete solitude, safety, and comfort. No other humans seem to know about this lake, so I am always there alone. Not necessarily in a lonely sort of way, though.

In my mind, my location around this lake is how I can measure and see how I'm doing, mentally and emotionally. Sometimes I feel like I'm standing on the shore, not even touching the water, encased in sunshine and warmth - this is when I am content. I am happy, I do not feel sadness, despair, depression, or hurt. Other times, I feel like I am drowning somewhere far enough from the shore that I can't seem to get my footing or direction to even find the shore if I wanted to. That is when I am at my lowest. I am not okay, and I don't know how to be okay. I have only been into the woods a handful of times.

Right now... I find myself rather floating on the surface of my lake, feeling calm, numb, a little at peace, a little sad... But I don't feel the need to have someone else help me out of my lake, nor do I feel the need to just let go and fall deeper into the lake. I am grieving, but I am okay. I can see the shore if I lift my head to look around, but I don't feel the need to swim toward it right now. The skies are grey today (despite it being completely sunny outside in my physical location in the world right now). I'm floating, not really thinking much, just sort of letting my feelings...feel. Not wanting to do anything about them, not wanting to reflect on what's going on, but not wanting to ignore what's happened, distract myself or change where I'm at right now.

A few of my friends have offered to come be with me, to sit with me, to hang out or watch movies or do nothing. I don't really want any of those things. I don't really want anyone to be around me right now, aside from maybe my mom. Or I could handle my sister being around for a bit. When my mom learned that I didn't want anyone around, I think she perhaps thought I might be falling too deep into a depression... She asked if I had thought about why I didn't want others around me right now. Why I might not want support and companionship of some of my friends right now. And to be honest, I hadn't. But I gave her an answer that was genuinely true: I wanted to feel only what I'm feeling, and not take on anyone else's feelings or energies. I don't want to be pitied, or sympathized with, or take take on anyone's energy from their own stressful, boring, or even happy days. Regardless of their intentions, I would (without even trying) take on these things, if others were near me right now. I... I don't want to deal with that.

So here I float... feeling my own emotions, in my own time, in my own space... If I don't talk to you much right now, or if I seem distant, or if I'm rejecting your offers to hang out, or even just chat... know that it's nothing against you. It's not because I don't like you, it's not because I don't want to do those things ever, it's not because I'm in a mode to hurt myself or do anything drastic. I ask you to have a little patience... I'm okay and I'm safe. I just need to feel what I need to feel for a while. I'll make it back to the shore soon, I promise. Just have a little patience... 💛