Past Present Hurt

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The content of this post would normally be shared in my private blog, but I think I just need to get some of these thoughts off of my conscience for a while, and it might help with some of you who know me to know why I may not be my normal self for a bit yet.

Have you ever known someone that you really truly actually cared about who was in the process of losing almost everything? Have you ever known someone who was so far into their own depressive mind that anything you said (even the most positive thing) was turned negative somehow in their mind before they responded to whatever you said?

Have you ever known someone whom you wanted to help so badly, you wanted to find them a job, get them a house, buy them food, but there was absolutely nothing you could do?

My mom's not doing too well. And because of this, even though I've not been close with her at all for a long time, it's affecting me. Her physical health seems to be doing alright. But her mental health is not the strongest, and she's doing very poorly financially.

I just want to go home. I’m not in any sort of mental state to be in this class right now.

I hate this. I love my mom. Regardless of what she or anyone else thinks of how I feel about her. She’s my mom, for gods’ sake. I wish I could help her. I wish there was something I could do.

I sometimes hate being empathetic. All I have to do is read a sentence, or speak it out loud, and I’m bursting into tears. Even now, I’m writing this and there are tears in my eyes. I’m holding them back, as I am in class. Her words keep repeating in my head.

I wish I could help. But I don’t have money. I don’t have the ability to hire her anywhere, or the control to get her a job. I don’t have the ability to help her with more than just words. I can say kind words. I can say positive things. I can try to help her smile.

But what do I do when she takes those positive things and turns them negative? What do I do when my positive statements don’t do a single thing.

When Keeper and I went to visit her, I know she was happy to see me, but she still doesn’t like Keeper. That eats at me, too. I know that anything I would have to say to her about him would just make me look naïve, so I don’t even try. I can make the argument that he makes me happy. But that argument only goes so far. She thinks he’s no good. She looks at him with this facial expression that says “you’re the scum of the earth, and I don’t want you near my daughter.” Even if that’s not what she means to do, it’s what’s written all over her face. She got her information about him from an incredibly unreliable source, and there’s nothing I can say or do to show her how wrong that source was. The ideas are already in her head, so that she has no idea how things really happened between Keeper and I.

Keeper is my best friend. He's an amazing man, with so many wonderful traits and characteristics. I won't deny he has a cloudy, crappy past. But people change. And I know that sounds naive. But who's to say otherwise? Who's to judge when everyone has done things in the past that they regret? I have my own regrets, and I know my mom has her own as well. Who can judge Keeper for making poor decisions in his past? It's not as if he doesn't know it. He knows what he did, and he makes choices everyday to make up for the hurt he has caused. If anyone was to judge him, it would be me. I was the one who was lied to. I was the one who was hurt. But I know who he is. I know who he is becoming. I know who he was, but he's not that anymore. And say whatever you want about that, but I'm the one who would have any right to judge him. I choose not to. I've made my feelings known. I've made my hurt known to him. I've shown him my judgments, and he's made it known his regrets. There's absolutely no reason anyone else can judge him, at least when it comes to his relations me. And I know that may be a lot to ask.

He made a rather large mistake. He made several smaller mistakes. None of which she knows the full extent of, and frankly, it's none of her business to know them. His mistakes are in the past. We may have started out our relationship in a not-so-honorable fashion, but we both made mistakes that neither of us are proud of. We both hurt each other. We both lied, and we both made mistakes. Both of us. So she's no right to judge him in the way she does. And I know she does. I can see it on her face. I can hear it in her voice. I can see it in her eyes. And I know she "just wants what's best for me". But how is she to know what that "best" is? Isn't it "best" for me to be happy? And I mean truly happy? Because he makes me happy. He's my world. He's my friend, he's my lover, he's my everything. He makes me happy just to be by him. When he's not by me, I feel so incredibly incomplete. I can't even begin to describe the void that's left in me when he's not here. She's said that she has no experience with love or anything of the sort. But is she honestly saying that she's never known a  love like this? The love of someone who makes her feels absolutely complete? That she's never found someone who she's never wanted to be without? She's never loved someone so much  (not including her children) that she would do anything for them?

And even if she's not felt that, why would she not be happy that I've found that? Is she even the slightest bit happy for me? 

...

This is not to say that I'm mad or anything, so please don't think me bitter. It just seems to be something on my mind. While I'm so incredibly hurt that I can't help her, I'm also incredibly hurt that she wants nothing to do with the one thing in my life that makes me the happiest. 

There were years that are now in the past between her and I. I will not deny that our relationship has been rocky at best for the past several years. I know that I have not helped. We have not been close, we've barely talked, and we've had several confrontations that were not always necessary. But the years of disconnect do not mean that I do not care about her. She's my mother, for godz' sake. She's not always been my favorite person in the world, but I do care about her. She brought me up to be the person I am today. She took me to see places all over the world. She introduced me to so many cultures. She helped me learn math. She allowed me to choose any religion I wanted to be a part of, as long as I did the research to know what I was getting into (with the only exceptions being Wicca and Witchcraft). She taught me to read (and anyone who knows me knows how much that one has affected my life). 

I don't want my mom to be homeless. I don't want my mom to be jobless. I want to help her, but I have no way to. I don't have the space to house her. I don't have a company where I can hire her. I don't have contacts I can get in touch with to get her into the places she could be. I want to help. But I don't know how to. 

I know I'm repeating myself here. I think my main thoughts have gotten out of my head now, so I guess this is enough of a post for now. I just... I wish there was something I could do.

I love you mom, no matter how much you or anyone else thinks I don't. I do care about you. I know I'm not the best daughter in the world, and I know I've disappointed you in the past. I know we've had a rough past, and I know it's still pretty tense between us. But please, don't think for a second, that I don't love you.