Prompt Tres

Name a totally useless possession and how you came to acquire it.

This one is tough. I'm finding myself going through my entire personal inventory in my head to find something I own that is completely useless. 

Ah! After looking through every cupboard and closet and  house, I've found it.

It's a little model car toy. An old, Cruella Deville style car. An "RZ Rod" from Ridemakerz. It's a pretty little car. It can be turned into a remote controlled car, if I were to order the RC chassis from the company.  It's actually one of the limited edition versions of the "Rod", even though it's just got the stock sound chip, wheels and rims. It's got a nice orange and black paint job, and I'm pretty sure my old boss gave it to me as part of my "Christmas present" from the company (along with a cool paperweight that has one of the "pirate" rims and wheels in a square of polymer, also a useless object that I own).

I used to work for Ridemakerz, you see. Now that was a fun job! It's just like Build-A-Bear, but instead of building bears, you got to build Remote-control Cars! Oh, it was so much fun! I loved the people I was working with, and the kids who came in were (most of the time) lots of fun to help. It was a great high school job, and it was a damned shame when they decided to close the Appleton branch.

The car serves absolutely no use to me currently, but I'm sure a child will have fun with it someday. It's sitting in its original plastic coverings, with a cardboard base. It's hidden away in the bottom part of the cupboard that I built in my high school cabinetry class.

I hope that it has use one day. But until that day, it's just a piece of pretty plastic sitting in a box in a dark cupboard.

Prompt 2

What 5 websites do you visit often, and why?

Well... at this point, I visit Facebook, Gmail, and QuestionableContent all (mostly) daily. I say mostly there because I don't usually check all of those sites on the weekend.

I check Facebook most days just because I like to know what's going on with my mom and I like to see my Twin's statuses, more often than not. I've also recently started talking to one of my classmates on there, and it's been pretty cool to get to know her a little bit outside of class. Other than that, my phone and my tablet are both almost always connected to Facebook, but that's more so that I can post pictures of my kittehs than for any other reason. I update statuses every once in a while (probably on average of once or twice a week), and I usually just like to use it to connect with people that I have no other way to connect with them.

I check Gmail almost every day, mostly because it's my email. Haha. If I don't check my email for a few days, I usually have a ton of spam to go through, as oppose to just checking it daily to delete things as they come in. It's just easier that way, and it's usually something to do while I'm waiting for my next class to start.

I like to read the daily (monday-friday) comics that get posted on QC.... I've been reading this webcomic for almost four years now, and I absolutely love the realism that Jeph Jacques is able to illustrate so well! It's a great webcomic, and I highly recommend that college kids everywhere read it (for those of you who don't want a life for the next three weeks, it's currently on webcomic #2371, and it's been updating every mon-fri for the past 10 years!)!!! :)

The other sites that I go to often are GoodReads and my bank's website.

For those of you who LOVE books like I do, GoodReads is the best site I have ever found! It helps you keep track of what books you own, and what books you want to read, and what books you've already read! I LOVE LOVE LOVE this site for it's simplicity and easy-to-use-ness! Keeper and I have taken to visiting Half Price Books relatively regularly, and the GoodReads app is a FANTASTIC help in knowing what books we already own (especially for those lengthy series that some of us enjoy!) and which books we have yet to find! I cannot rave enough good things about this site. If you ever find a book that's not in their database, there's an easy way to add it into the database. If you ever want to export a list of the books you've added to lists, there's an easy way to do that! If you ever want to add a bunch of books that you've recently acquired to your lists, there's an easy way to scan ISBN codes through the app. If you ever want to win free books (usually ARCs or promotional books for the next in the series), there's a page devoted all to giveaways! If you ever read a book that you loved, there's an easy way to write a review of it! If you hated a book, there's an easy way to let the world know that too! Goodreads is definitely one of my favorite websites.

My bank website is pretty self-explanatory. I check how much moneyz I have, of course. I do this a couple times a week, just to verify that the amount I think I have is correct with what the Bank thinks I have.

Those are my five top sites. What're yours?

Prompted Ramblings

I've decided to start doing some writing prompts that I'm shamelessly stealing from Tom Slatin. I think that this could be good to think about doing every couple days, and it might just be a good source for stress relief, if for no other purpose. Today marks the first writing prompt (even though he posted it on January 6th) for me to answer.

Name something you lost or gave away that can never be replaced.

My Heart.

Just Kidding! My heart belongs solely to Keeper, but I would never dream of asking for it back, or for a replacement. :)

Something I lost or gave away that is irreplaceable.... hmm...

...Well, to be fair, my heart is actually rather irreplaceable. But I like to think that it's in good hands where it's at, and I really, honestly, would never, ever want a replacement, either for my heart or my Keeper.

Hrm.

I can't honestly think about something I may have lost/given away that I was distraught over or anything, aside from when my dog Molly ran away. But I don't think I'm that distraught over that actual fact, so much as I'm mad at myself for allowing it to ever get as bad as it was so that she did run away.

Molly was supposed to be my dog.... and over the course of a year or so, she became a primarily outside dog, and I hated that. She was never allowed to be in the house, mostly because she stank like a dog. I didn't take good enough care of her. I didn't take her on enough walks. I didn't play with her enough. I didn't give her enough attention. I hate myself a little bit for it. The night she ran away, there were fireworks going off a few blocks away (over the river) and she was freaked out. The next day when I went to give her food (after realizing that my sister hadn't fed her (and actually wasn't even home)), she wasn't there. Her collar was still attached to her leash, but she was nowhere to be found. When my sister did come home, we wandered the streets around our block for maybe an hour, calling out her name. I cried, but not as much as I should have. I hate myself for letting Molly become an outside dog. I hate that I got lazy. I hate that I miss her now, but I didn't miss her in the following weeks.

I don't really think that counts as something I've "lost or given away", though...

I can't say that I've ever lost or given away a piece of jewelry or anything material that I've considered "irreplaceable"...

Thinking about this in detail... I'd have to say that the irreplaceable thing that I seem to have lost is my ability to show appreciation for people. My mom can certainly attest to this, and I know Keeper and E. can agree with me on this as well.

Don't misunderstand me, I definitely do appreciate people. I appreciate my mother, I appreciate Keeper, I appreciate E. I appreciate my friends and families. But somewhere in my life, I lost the ability to show these people that I appreciate them.

Maybe I should make that a little bit more right. Here's some appreciation for some of the people in my life who deserve it!

Let's start with my mom. Godz, what a woman! This lady took me to Europe three times, Central America at least twice, and to all sorts of places all over the U.S.! Raising two daughters single-handedly while working a full-time job as a Construction Manager? Who does that?!? My mom does. That's who. She taught me and my sister that we can do anything we want to. She took us places. She let us be kids. She let us learn new things all the time. She was an amazing mother, especially for a single one! She encouraged us to be strong and independent. She encouraged us to find religion (any religion, as long as we researched it so we would know what we were getting into). She encouraged us to travel and find new cultures. I've yet to meet another woman like her. She helped me to become who I am today, which probably goes without saying. I'm strong, I'm independent. I'm open-minded. I'm curious. I'm eager to travel, to see the world, to try new foods, to meet new people... All because of her. And I know that our relationship isn't the greatest. But you know what? No matter what our relationship is, was, or will be, I appreciate my mother. She's an amazing woman who did a wonderful job of raising me, introducing me to many cultures, and inspiring me (even today)!

Keeper. Ah, Keeper. What to say to you? I've been trying to get better about showing you my appreciation. I could never ask for a better person to spend the rest of my life with. I love spending time with you, even if we spend that time with our noses in books, not even talking to each other. I love cooking food for you, and I love trying all sorts of new things with you. I love traveling with you. I love just being by you. You have this innate ability to somehow complete me. I like to think that I'm a pretty awesome person (as you know), but without you, I'd be not-nearly-so-awesome. Haha. Any time we spend apart seems not nearly as important as when we are together. I hate thinking about being without you (so I definitely try not to). I love you, even when I hate you. I love you even when we fight. I love that we communicate almost constantly. I love that we grow together. I love that we have so many things in common, and so many more differences! I love laying on your chest and listening to your heart. I love that you love fixing things for me (even when I can and sometimes want to fix it myself). Not gonna lie, I hate it when you try to teach me (you know what I'm talking about), but I love that you're willing to try. I love that you brought home the last cat. I love that you love cats! I love that you're willing to admit when you're wrong (even when I'm sometimes the one who's wrong). I love that you're willing to move away with me. I love that you're willing to get a Corgi. I love that you're willing to try anything at least once with me. I love that I've introduced you to yummy foods (like cabbage, and rhubarb, and my mom's Chicken Parmesan, and more curry!), and you like them! I love that you're willing to try weekday vegetarianism with me. I love that you're always ready and willing to let me be artistic. I love that you're okay with my tattoos, and my millions of tattoo ideas. I love that you encourage me. I love that you spoil Pooh Bear (and I hate it too). I love that you don't try to change me. I love that you love me. :)

My dearest E.! What a wonder you are! My best friend, my other (other) half! I hate that you're not out and talkative these last few days/weeks. And I hate that I suck at contacting you more often. You're such an amazing girl. Do you even know how amazing you are? You're pretty darn amazing. To go through what you've been through, and still be chipper and happy (most of the time), and smiling... Wow. I love you, E. You're a fantastically talented woman, a gifted writer, and a great friend. Even though you and I don't see eye-to-eye as often as we could, you have a place in my heart that I would never want to be without. I know we've fought a lot. I think that we're too often too similar for our own good. We don't really understand each other, and we don't really try most of the time, but you're one of my best friends, and don't you think for a second that you can just hide from the world forever! I don't know where life is going to lead us, but I can promise you that I'll be by your side through it all! Love you, sweetheart! :)

TWIN. This girl is a crazy mo-fo! How can I begin to even think about the last several years of my life without thinking about the amazing support this girl (and her family!) has provided me? I can't. I just can't. Throughout the hardships that I went through with my family, then coming to college and dealing with the lowest point I've experienced in my depression, and just growing up in general, my dearest Twin has been there for me through it all! And her mother is a wondrous woman as well! Twin's whole family has been absolutely wonderful to me throughout the years, and I could never ask for a better family to be "adopted" into, and I could never ask for a better life-long friend! Even after getting married, Twin is still there for me, and is ready at the drop of a pin to come help through any hardships that I may be dealing with. I've never met a person like her, and I don't think I'll ever find one. She's a one-of-a-kind person who is simply amazing to be around, even when she's having a bad day. She always knows what to say to make me smile. And even on my bad days, she never seems to mind if I don't say a lot, or if I don't even say a word. And I absolutely LOVE that about her! :)

And last, but not least.... All of my other friends and "family"... I appreciate all of them as well! Each and every person who's stepped into my life has affected me in some way, and I'd like to think it's been for the better. I've been through a lot in my short years thus far, and I greatly appreciate everyone who's been there to encourage me, to tell me the truth, to help me open my mind, and to help me when I needed it in other ways.

Well.. I think that's it for my prompted ramblings-turned-love fest.... I think the next few ramblings won't be so long. But we'll see, won't we?

I hope you know that I appreciate you. Where ever you are in this crazy world, what ever you're doing in your life. I appreciate you.

Keep that in mind as you go through your busy lives today, and try to smile. :)

Past Present Hurt

(**press^play^before^reading**)

The content of this post would normally be shared in my private blog, but I think I just need to get some of these thoughts off of my conscience for a while, and it might help with some of you who know me to know why I may not be my normal self for a bit yet.

Have you ever known someone that you really truly actually cared about who was in the process of losing almost everything? Have you ever known someone who was so far into their own depressive mind that anything you said (even the most positive thing) was turned negative somehow in their mind before they responded to whatever you said?

Have you ever known someone whom you wanted to help so badly, you wanted to find them a job, get them a house, buy them food, but there was absolutely nothing you could do?

My mom's not doing too well. And because of this, even though I've not been close with her at all for a long time, it's affecting me. Her physical health seems to be doing alright. But her mental health is not the strongest, and she's doing very poorly financially.

I just want to go home. I’m not in any sort of mental state to be in this class right now.

I hate this. I love my mom. Regardless of what she or anyone else thinks of how I feel about her. She’s my mom, for gods’ sake. I wish I could help her. I wish there was something I could do.

I sometimes hate being empathetic. All I have to do is read a sentence, or speak it out loud, and I’m bursting into tears. Even now, I’m writing this and there are tears in my eyes. I’m holding them back, as I am in class. Her words keep repeating in my head.

I wish I could help. But I don’t have money. I don’t have the ability to hire her anywhere, or the control to get her a job. I don’t have the ability to help her with more than just words. I can say kind words. I can say positive things. I can try to help her smile.

But what do I do when she takes those positive things and turns them negative? What do I do when my positive statements don’t do a single thing.

When Keeper and I went to visit her, I know she was happy to see me, but she still doesn’t like Keeper. That eats at me, too. I know that anything I would have to say to her about him would just make me look naïve, so I don’t even try. I can make the argument that he makes me happy. But that argument only goes so far. She thinks he’s no good. She looks at him with this facial expression that says “you’re the scum of the earth, and I don’t want you near my daughter.” Even if that’s not what she means to do, it’s what’s written all over her face. She got her information about him from an incredibly unreliable source, and there’s nothing I can say or do to show her how wrong that source was. The ideas are already in her head, so that she has no idea how things really happened between Keeper and I.

Keeper is my best friend. He's an amazing man, with so many wonderful traits and characteristics. I won't deny he has a cloudy, crappy past. But people change. And I know that sounds naive. But who's to say otherwise? Who's to judge when everyone has done things in the past that they regret? I have my own regrets, and I know my mom has her own as well. Who can judge Keeper for making poor decisions in his past? It's not as if he doesn't know it. He knows what he did, and he makes choices everyday to make up for the hurt he has caused. If anyone was to judge him, it would be me. I was the one who was lied to. I was the one who was hurt. But I know who he is. I know who he is becoming. I know who he was, but he's not that anymore. And say whatever you want about that, but I'm the one who would have any right to judge him. I choose not to. I've made my feelings known. I've made my hurt known to him. I've shown him my judgments, and he's made it known his regrets. There's absolutely no reason anyone else can judge him, at least when it comes to his relations me. And I know that may be a lot to ask.

He made a rather large mistake. He made several smaller mistakes. None of which she knows the full extent of, and frankly, it's none of her business to know them. His mistakes are in the past. We may have started out our relationship in a not-so-honorable fashion, but we both made mistakes that neither of us are proud of. We both hurt each other. We both lied, and we both made mistakes. Both of us. So she's no right to judge him in the way she does. And I know she does. I can see it on her face. I can hear it in her voice. I can see it in her eyes. And I know she "just wants what's best for me". But how is she to know what that "best" is? Isn't it "best" for me to be happy? And I mean truly happy? Because he makes me happy. He's my world. He's my friend, he's my lover, he's my everything. He makes me happy just to be by him. When he's not by me, I feel so incredibly incomplete. I can't even begin to describe the void that's left in me when he's not here. She's said that she has no experience with love or anything of the sort. But is she honestly saying that she's never known a  love like this? The love of someone who makes her feels absolutely complete? That she's never found someone who she's never wanted to be without? She's never loved someone so much  (not including her children) that she would do anything for them?

And even if she's not felt that, why would she not be happy that I've found that? Is she even the slightest bit happy for me? 

...

This is not to say that I'm mad or anything, so please don't think me bitter. It just seems to be something on my mind. While I'm so incredibly hurt that I can't help her, I'm also incredibly hurt that she wants nothing to do with the one thing in my life that makes me the happiest. 

There were years that are now in the past between her and I. I will not deny that our relationship has been rocky at best for the past several years. I know that I have not helped. We have not been close, we've barely talked, and we've had several confrontations that were not always necessary. But the years of disconnect do not mean that I do not care about her. She's my mother, for godz' sake. She's not always been my favorite person in the world, but I do care about her. She brought me up to be the person I am today. She took me to see places all over the world. She introduced me to so many cultures. She helped me learn math. She allowed me to choose any religion I wanted to be a part of, as long as I did the research to know what I was getting into (with the only exceptions being Wicca and Witchcraft). She taught me to read (and anyone who knows me knows how much that one has affected my life). 

I don't want my mom to be homeless. I don't want my mom to be jobless. I want to help her, but I have no way to. I don't have the space to house her. I don't have a company where I can hire her. I don't have contacts I can get in touch with to get her into the places she could be. I want to help. But I don't know how to. 

I know I'm repeating myself here. I think my main thoughts have gotten out of my head now, so I guess this is enough of a post for now. I just... I wish there was something I could do.

I love you mom, no matter how much you or anyone else thinks I don't. I do care about you. I know I'm not the best daughter in the world, and I know I've disappointed you in the past. I know we've had a rough past, and I know it's still pretty tense between us. But please, don't think for a second, that I don't love you.