If I had my way right now, I’d be at home, building a blanket fort and putting up random strands of krismas lights, so that Keeper and I could snuggle and watch movies for the rest of the day. It's just that kind of day.
Last night, I had to stop myself from thinking. Keeper read me my nightly bed time chapter of Alice in Wonderland, and I stayed awake through it this time.
The night before last, I had fallen asleep while he was reading to me. I've told him countless times that I love his voice. But not until I had fallen asleep listening to him read me a bedtime story had he actually believed it. His voice is the one sound in the world that I never want to stop listening to. If I’m having a rough day, and he even says one word to me, nothing seems so bad anymore.
Yesterday was pretty horrid... But Keeper took my hand and told me that everything's going to be alright. And even when my mind never stops racing, he's right there, holding my hand, telling me that he loves me, and that we're going to be okay.
I lie awake last night... tossing and turning... I couldn't find a comfortable spot. And I couldn't stop thinking. My mind kept trying to make me panic, make me cry, make me scream. I had to stop myself. Keeper and I had gotten into an argument the night before, but about something else entirely, something stupid, and it irked my mind. We both seem irritable. I've been getting freaked out lately, but stupid, insignificant things... And he's... idk. He seems a little more... easily angered... than usual. And then yesterday happened. And I had to stop myself. Being a depressive, my mind thought up these stupid, horrid scenarios, where he and I get into these stupid, immature fights about nothing, for no other reason, than that we're both stressed, and I really don’t want that.
I don’t want to fight with him. And I don’t want to be a burden to him. With the loss of my jobs, and the stress of still having to deal with paying rent for an apartment that I don’t even live in, mixed with all of the stress of having bills to pay besides that... These next couple months are gonna be hard. But I don’t want to be the one who's causing stupid little arguments over nothing.
I want to be able to help pay for things. Groceries, electricity bills, cat expenses, whatever. I want to be able to provide for us too. But for a little while... I'm not going to be able to. And it scares the crap out of me.
If it was warmer outside... I'd be sitting outside somewhere. Just sitting in the rain... watching... listening... thinking.
Keeper promises me that we're gonna be ok. He says that everything's going to be alright, that he's going to take care of me. Aside from my mother, I’ve never had someone who just wants to take care of me. And even with my mother, she wasn’t always there. She worked construction, so she was away at work a lot. My sister had to babysit me most of the time, and I had to take care of myself. I've spent the last 6 years taking care of myself. And now I’m with this wonderful man, who says that he's going to take care of me. I don’t even know what it really even means.... to be taken care of. And it scares me.
Between the fears, the stress, the heightened sense of needing to find a job, and every other emotion running through my body... I really don’t want to be overtaken by these feelings. I don’t want to ruin anything good in my life. I don’t want to lose the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I truly don’t want to lose myself.
I think I'm going to be okay. Flooding is a grand process that truly helps me calm down and get thoughts out of my head.
I have to just keep myself calm, and remember to breathe.
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