Have a little patience...

Do you know what it's like to not want anyone around, simply so that you can feel what you feel, and feel it wholly? Without any sort of emotional interference from someone else's energy...

This is something I'm learning about myself. As I move into a deeper grief, as I strive to not get overwhelmed and fall down into my lake of depression....

Let me describe my lake to you, so that you might have an idea what I mean.

In my mind, I find myself at a beautiful lakeside, surrounded by mountains covered in trees. The trees are dense, and gorgeous shades of foresty green. The mountains are all high enough that it would be a day trip to climb them and return. The 'beach' is pebbles and stones, but only extends maybe 150ft around the shoreline. The rest of the shore meets directly with the woods, greeting the ferns and grass growing near it like old friends. There are wild creatures that live in the woods... I can hear them, but don't often see them. They stick to the world in the trees, and don't tend to come to the lake itself. There is a cabin of sorts just off the shore, but it never seems to stay in one place, or even look the same whenever I visit. There aren't any other sort of structures around... just the ever changing abode that I think must be my retreat when I am not consciously at the lake. The water itself is cool, but not freezing... and varies from being a beautiful clear blue that you can see relatively far into... to a dark grey that you can't see through more than two feet from the shore. The setting is completely serene. There is a fog that hangs over the mountains, and occasionally the far side of the lake. The fog often feels like a hugging blanket of security, as if it holds the scene in complete solitude, safety, and comfort. No other humans seem to know about this lake, so I am always there alone. Not necessarily in a lonely sort of way, though.

In my mind, my location around this lake is how I can measure and see how I'm doing, mentally and emotionally. Sometimes I feel like I'm standing on the shore, not even touching the water, encased in sunshine and warmth - this is when I am content. I am happy, I do not feel sadness, despair, depression, or hurt. Other times, I feel like I am drowning somewhere far enough from the shore that I can't seem to get my footing or direction to even find the shore if I wanted to. That is when I am at my lowest. I am not okay, and I don't know how to be okay. I have only been into the woods a handful of times.

Right now... I find myself rather floating on the surface of my lake, feeling calm, numb, a little at peace, a little sad... But I don't feel the need to have someone else help me out of my lake, nor do I feel the need to just let go and fall deeper into the lake. I am grieving, but I am okay. I can see the shore if I lift my head to look around, but I don't feel the need to swim toward it right now. The skies are grey today (despite it being completely sunny outside in my physical location in the world right now). I'm floating, not really thinking much, just sort of letting my feelings...feel. Not wanting to do anything about them, not wanting to reflect on what's going on, but not wanting to ignore what's happened, distract myself or change where I'm at right now.

A few of my friends have offered to come be with me, to sit with me, to hang out or watch movies or do nothing. I don't really want any of those things. I don't really want anyone to be around me right now, aside from maybe my mom. Or I could handle my sister being around for a bit. When my mom learned that I didn't want anyone around, I think she perhaps thought I might be falling too deep into a depression... She asked if I had thought about why I didn't want others around me right now. Why I might not want support and companionship of some of my friends right now. And to be honest, I hadn't. But I gave her an answer that was genuinely true: I wanted to feel only what I'm feeling, and not take on anyone else's feelings or energies. I don't want to be pitied, or sympathized with, or take take on anyone's energy from their own stressful, boring, or even happy days. Regardless of their intentions, I would (without even trying) take on these things, if others were near me right now. I... I don't want to deal with that.

So here I float... feeling my own emotions, in my own time, in my own space... If I don't talk to you much right now, or if I seem distant, or if I'm rejecting your offers to hang out, or even just chat... know that it's nothing against you. It's not because I don't like you, it's not because I don't want to do those things ever, it's not because I'm in a mode to hurt myself or do anything drastic. I ask you to have a little patience... I'm okay and I'm safe. I just need to feel what I need to feel for a while. I'll make it back to the shore soon, I promise. Just have a little patience... 💛

Go Ahead and Cry

Nothing bothers me more than someone who is fake in some regard or another. I don't appreciate being used. I don't appreciate being lied to. I don't appreciate having things (particularly information or feelings) hidden from me. If you're going to lie to me, if you're going to hide things from me... Know that I consider that an absolute betrayal of our friendship.

I have almost always been one of the first people to say "Go ahead and cry." I have spent a fair share of my life making sure to be kind to others, to be there for people and to treat others as I want to be treated. I have been a crying shoulder. I have been a listening ear. I have been supportive and tried to be there for others as much as I can be. So when I am disrespected in such a manner as a lie or a hidden truth, it wounds me straight to my heart. Even if it's a partial lie, it hurts just as badly.

If you have friends, don't tell me you don't. Don't tell me you're lonely all the time. You clearly have friends. I can see it all over your facebook. You've got an extensive network of support and friendship. So don't tell me you're all alone. I can see clearly, that you're not. If you're lonely after having that many people respond to an attention-seeking post on a social media site, then that's your choice. It would different if you were living somewhere totally remote. But you're anywhere from a half an hour to just under two hours away from a lot of your 'friends', and you can afford to travel to see someone if you want to.

I see the comments of "I'm around if you want to hang out." "You got this." "I love you." "Don't let this drag you down." "I miss seeing you..." ... You OBVIOUSLY have people who care about you, and who want well for you. So why in the world would you tell me that you don't? Why in the world would you tell me how much you hate your parents, when every other post is about going out to drink with them? Or pictures are taken with them and you're all having a blast... Or some heartfelt post is written about how your mom is your best friend... Why would you insist that your parents are horrible? Why would you tell me that you had a terrible upbringing, but then talk about how much you appreciate your parents and their choices in the next social post?

Maybe you're learning and maturing. Maybe you're becoming appreciative of the things you have. Maybe you're beginning to recognize the people who care about you. Maybe you're starting to care about them. But are you?

Do you understand how much you compartmentalize? Do you know how much that fucking hurts your 'friends'? To show one side of yourself to some people, only to show a completely different side of your self to others. To tell some people one thing, but tell others the complete opposite thing. To tell partial information. When those people see you as the 'other' person, or they learn about the other thing you said, or they learn the whole truth... that hurts. Don't you fucking understand that?

Do you know that being friends with someone is more than just sending snapchats to them? Maybe text them? Maybe message them through another chat service? Maybe give them a call? Maybe show up at their door just to surprise them, because you've missed them? I've blocked you on Snapchat. Because I was sick of seeing your impersonal, irrelevant pictures, that show no interest in the people you're sending them to.

If you're not going to try to be friends, then I'm not going to try either. I tried for long enough. I sat with you when you cried. I held you while you cried. I gave you hugs. I comforted you.

Forgive me if I seem disinterested in reaching out to you to continue being compartmentalized, lied to and used.