I have almost always been one of the first people to say "Go ahead and cry." I have spent a fair share of my life making sure to be kind to others, to be there for people and to treat others as I want to be treated. I have been a crying shoulder. I have been a listening ear. I have been supportive and tried to be there for others as much as I can be. So when I am disrespected in such a manner as a lie or a hidden truth, it wounds me straight to my heart. Even if it's a partial lie, it hurts just as badly.
If you have friends, don't tell me you don't. Don't tell me you're lonely all the time. You clearly have friends. I can see it all over your facebook. You've got an extensive network of support and friendship. So don't tell me you're all alone. I can see clearly, that you're not. If you're lonely after having that many people respond to an attention-seeking post on a social media site, then that's your choice. It would different if you were living somewhere totally remote. But you're anywhere from a half an hour to just under two hours away from a lot of your 'friends', and you can afford to travel to see someone if you want to.
I see the comments of "I'm around if you want to hang out." "You got this." "I love you." "Don't let this drag you down." "I miss seeing you..." ... You OBVIOUSLY have people who care about you, and who want well for you. So why in the world would you tell me that you don't? Why in the world would you tell me how much you hate your parents, when every other post is about going out to drink with them? Or pictures are taken with them and you're all having a blast... Or some heartfelt post is written about how your mom is your best friend... Why would you insist that your parents are horrible? Why would you tell me that you had a terrible upbringing, but then talk about how much you appreciate your parents and their choices in the next social post?
Maybe you're learning and maturing. Maybe you're becoming appreciative of the things you have. Maybe you're beginning to recognize the people who care about you. Maybe you're starting to care about them. But are you?
Do you understand how much you compartmentalize? Do you know how much that fucking hurts your 'friends'? To show one side of yourself to some people, only to show a completely different side of your self to others. To tell some people one thing, but tell others the complete opposite thing. To tell partial information. When those people see you as the 'other' person, or they learn about the other thing you said, or they learn the whole truth... that hurts. Don't you fucking understand that?
Do you know that being friends with someone is more than just sending snapchats to them? Maybe text them? Maybe message them through another chat service? Maybe give them a call? Maybe show up at their door just to surprise them, because you've missed them? I've blocked you on Snapchat. Because I was sick of seeing your impersonal, irrelevant pictures, that show no interest in the people you're sending them to.
If you're not going to try to be friends, then I'm not going to try either. I tried for long enough. I sat with you when you cried. I held you while you cried. I gave you hugs. I comforted you.
Forgive me if I seem disinterested in reaching out to you to continue being compartmentalized, lied to and used.
